We often talk about managing children’s behavior… but we rarely talk about the state of the adults.

This past year, I’ve devoted myself to deep training in Polyvagal Theory, learning to understand the nervous system, not just for the children we serve, but for ourselves as educators.

What I’ve seen again and again is this: the rise in dysregulated behaviors in classrooms isn’t only about the children. It’s also about us, the adults.

We ask children to calm down, to focus, to stay engaged… but many of us enter the classroom carrying stress, exhaustion, and activation in our own nervous systems. Even when we think we’re hiding it, the children feel it, in our tone of voice, our posture, our facial expressions.

And there’s another layer we often overlook: our thoughts about the children.

If we constantly interpret a child as “difficult,” “lazy,” or “defiant,” those thoughts don’t stay in our heads. They activate our nervous system. They increase tension in our body and change the way we interact.

Those thoughts can keep us in a state of threat, rather than connection.

A dysregulated adult cannot co-regulate a child.

Behavior management is adult work.

As Laurie Desautels reminds us:

“The adult nervous system is the strongest classroom intervention we have. The way we show up in our own body sets the tone for every child.”

When we combine this insight with Polyvagal Theory, we see that regulation isn’t just about what we do, it’s also about how we think about the children in front of us. Our thoughts can either keep us in a defensive state or help us stay open, calm, and compassionate.

If we want calmer, more connected learning environments, we need to shift the question:

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this child’s behavior?”

we begin by asking:

• “What’s happening in me as the adult in this moment?”

• “What story am I telling myself about this child?”

Children sense the state of the adults around them. They don’t just hear our words; they feel our nervous system.

I share this not as a criticism of teachers, but as a reminder of our humanity. We deserve support, time to pause, and the tools to understand our own regulation.

I invite you to pause today and notice:

• How does your body feel when you enter the classroom?

• Are your thoughts about a child helping you stay open and grounded, or are they activating your nervous system?

• What practices bring you back to safety and presence?

If we want to transform “behavior management,” it starts with the adults doing the personal work. This is why I believe teacher nervous-system awareness is not optional, it’s foundational.

The more I study Polyvagal Theory, the more I see this as the missing piece in our conversations about Education.