Connection Over Correction: Building Relationships for True Growth in Education

In the field of education, we often focus on strategies, interventions, and systems designed to support neurodivergent students. While these tools are essential, they lose their effectiveness without the foundation of connection and relationship. As Dr. Bruce Perry emphasizes, “Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love.” Connection is not just a soft skill, it is the foundation of all meaningful learning and growth. For educators, understanding the science behind connection can transform how we approach our students, especially those with neurodivergent needs.

The Science of Connection: Polyvagal Theory and the Role of the Nervous System

The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, provides a scientific framework for understanding the physiological importance of connection. It explains how our autonomic nervous system constantly scans our environment for safety or danger, a process called neuroception. This theory emphasizes three states of the nervous system:

1. The ventral vagal state (safe and social),

2. The sympathetic state (fight or flight), and

3. The dorsal vagal state (shutdown or freeze).

Students in a ventral vagal state feel safe and connected, enabling them to engage in learning, exploration, and social interaction. On the other hand, when students perceive their environment as unsafe, whether due to external stressors, misunderstood neurodivergent traits, or a lack of connection, they may shift into a sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. These states inhibit their ability to learn, communicate, or self-regulate.

As educators, our nervous systems play a crucial role in co-regulation. Our calm, regulated presence can help students move from a state of dysregulation to one of safety and connection. Dr. Perry reminds us that “connectedness counters adversity.” This means that before any strategy or intervention can succeed, we must first establish a sense of safety through relationship and connection.

Connection as the Foundation for Learning

No matter how many classroom strategies we implement, they will fall short if a child does not feel connected to the adults around them. For neurodivergent students, who often face challenges in self-regulation and sensory processing, connection is even more critical. They need adults who not only see their strengths and challenges but also create an environment that feels safe and predictable.

Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors, emphasizes the importance of understanding a child’s nervous system: “When a child has challenging behaviors, it’s a sign of stress or an unmet need. Behavior is just the tip of the iceberg; we must look beneath the surface.” This perspective shifts the focus from controlling behavior to understanding what drives it.

Observation is one of the most powerful tools we have as educators. For example, a child with autism who avoids group activities may not be defiant but overwhelmed by sensory input or social dynamics. A student with ADHD who struggles to sit still may not lack focus but instead need movement to regulate their nervous system. By observing, we can identify patterns and triggers, allowing us to respond with empathy and targeted support.

When we prioritize connection, we communicate to students that they are more than their behaviors or academic performance. This shift in perspective allows students to thrive because they are working from a place of safety and trust rather than fear or shame.

The Role of the Teacher’s Nervous System

Educators often pour their energy into their students without considering their own well-being. However, we cannot pour from an empty cup. If we are dysregulated, stressed, or overwhelmed, our nervous system sends cues of danger to our students, making it difficult for them to regulate themselves.

Dr. Delahooke reminds us, “The most powerful tool in supporting a child’s emotional well-being is the adult’s ability to remain calm and regulated.” Teachers need to prioritize their own self-care and regulation to be effective co-regulators for their students. This might include mindfulness practices, professional support, or simply taking moments throughout the day to pause and reset.

Maria Montessori echoed this sentiment: “The greatest sign of success for a teacher is to be able to say, ‘The children are now working as if I did not exist.’” To achieve this, teachers must first create an environment of calm and trust, which begins with their own state of being.

Observation: The Gateway to Understanding

In Montessori education, observation is a cornerstone, but its principles apply to all educators. Observation is not just about collecting data; it’s about seeing the child holistically, their strengths, struggles, interests, and needs. When we observe with intention, we build a connection that goes beyond strategies and interventions.

For example, a student with dyslexia who hesitates to read aloud may not lack intelligence but instead fears judgment or shame. Through observation, we can adjust our approach, offering tools like one-on-one support or assistive technology, while maintaining a supportive and judgment-free environment.

Observation helps us step back from assumptions and strategies and focus on understanding the unique individual in front of us. This intentional practice invites curiosity and empathy, which are the foundation of meaningful relationships.

Beyond Connection: Relationships as a Path to Transformation

Understanding the science behind connection and the nervous system deepens our commitment to relationship-based teaching. Neurodivergent students often need more than strategies; they need teachers who see them, believe in them, and are willing to meet them where they are.

Dr. Perry’s work reminds us that “Regulation, relationship, and reasoning” must happen in that order. Regulation comes first because a dysregulated student cannot engage in relationships or higher-order thinking. Relationship follows, providing the safety needed for the brain to engage in reasoning and learning. This sequence underscores the importance of connection—it is not just a strategy but the foundation for everything else.

Montessori philosophy also reinforces this idea. She wrote, “Education is not something which the teacher does, but a natural process which develops spontaneously in the human being.” This process thrives in environments where students feel valued, understood, and connected.

When we prioritize connection, we shift the focus from compliance to true engagement. Instead of asking, “How can I get this child to follow the rules?” we ask, “How can I create an environment where this child feels safe, connected, and ready to learn?” This shift transforms not only our classrooms but also the lives of the children we serve.

Conclusion: A Call to Action for Educators

Building connection is not always easy, especially in the face of challenging behaviors or systemic pressures. However, it is the most important work we do as educators. Understanding the science behind connection, including Polyvagal Theory and the work of experts like Dr. Perry and Dr. Delahooke, empowers us to create environments where all students, especially neurodivergent ones, can thrive.

As teachers, we must prioritize our own regulation and self-care, observe with intention, and build relationships rooted in trust and empathy. No matter how many strategies we learn, they will not succeed without the foundation of connection. When we focus on building relationships, we unlock the potential of every child to grow, learn, and succeed.

Connection is not just the first step, it is the step that makes everything else possible. Let us be the calm, regulated presence our students need, creating classrooms where connection is at the heart of learning.

Maria Eva Chaffin