Are We Meeting Children’s Needs, or Our Own Need for Control?

One of the hardest truths we face as educators and parents is this: sometimes our need for control gets in the way of giving children what they truly need.

Montessori reminds us to follow the child. But if we’re honest, our nervous systems, our preconceptions, and even our unconscious judgments often pull us back into control. We forget that the child is at the center, not us.

Think about the start of the school year. We all know the child who doesn’t seem to follow the rules, who can’t calm their body, who is constantly moving and being called out. A month in, and all anyone talks about is how impossible this child is, how they can’t listen, how everything is “their fault.” Soon the whole classroom, even the staff, starts to see this child only through a negative lens.

And let’s be real, sometimes the thoughts that creep into our minds are even harsher:

“He’s sneaky.”

“She’s planning this.”

“He’s lazy.”

“She’s doing this on purpose.”

“He’s trying to bother his friends.”

But here’s the truth: that child has something to say to us. Their behavior is communication. And if every interaction, every body language cue, every whispered comment about them fills their “negative bucket,” what chance do they have? And if that child hears the same words about themselves, day after day—“you can’t,” “you don’t,” “you’re too much”—what do we expect will happen? If we, the adults, don’t start changing, nothing will change for them.

The question is not “What’s wrong with the child?” but “What are we doing for this child?” Are we unintentionally filling their day with criticism, frustration, and blame? Or are we consciously flipping the script, choosing to look for positives, to highlight strengths, to give them dignity and hope in the classroom community?

Every child carries two buckets. The negative one fills fast, especially for kids who move differently, learn differently, or communicate differently. But when we make it our mission to fill the positive bucket, with encouragement, with belief, with love, the whole picture shifts.

So the challenge for us, especially at the start of the year, is simple but radical:

👉 Stop feeding the negative bucket.

👉 Start pouring into the positive one.

Because it’s not the child who needs fixing. It’s us, the adults, who must prepare ourselves differently. That’s the real work of following the child.